Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Relationships where one of the partners is abusive and the other one is not
When we usually talk about emotional abuse, we refer to this kind of relationship. In the situation where only one of the partners is abusive, most of the times the abused partner is not aware of the abuse or is trying to make the other partner stop the abuse. The abused partner can accept the aggression because of being scared of leaving the relationship, because of the fact that he/she feels it deserves to be abused or because love feelings that prevent him/her from leaving their abusing partners. The only way in which the victim can contribute to the abuse is having too of an understanding attitude.
B. Engel (The Emotionally Abusive Relationships, 2002) is defining this type of a relationship like this:
- one of the partners has gotten used to excuse the maliciousness and lack of respect from the other partner
- one of the partners is made to believe that he/she is always wrong and cannot trust is own perceptions, opinions, reactions and feelings
- one of the partners is blaming himself/herself everytime a problem occurs in the relationship
- the abusive partner will never take responsibility for a problem that occurred in the relationship.
2. The relationship is on the fast track.He’s infatuated with you and is already talking commitment. But slow down. A light-speed lothario often has something to hide, says relationship therapist Joyce Morley-Ball, Ed.D. (aka Dr. Joyce). If he’s quick to say “I love you” and soon makes plans for moving in, getting married and having a baby, he may be trying to lock up the relationship before you can see what he’s really about. He knows you’re less likely to leave him after you get involved, she says.
3. Nothing is ever his fault. That speeding ticket? The cop had it in for him. The job he lost? The boss had a grudge against him. The promotion he didn’t get? The woman who did must have been sleeping with the boss. Maybe your guy has the worst luck ever. Or consider this: The man who never takes responsibility for any of his actions may be quick to blame you when he ultimately loses control of his temper – and his fists. “If you hadn’t done _____, I wouldn’t have hit you.” If he can get you to believe it’s your fault, he’s off the hook in his mind. So take notice of his blame list – you could be next.
4. You’re always making excuses for his behavior. He’s tired. He had a hard week. He’s under a lot of pressure. He’s only like that when he’s had too much to drink. Sure, these excuses may explain the rare social gaffe and could, in fact, be true. But it could be a warning sign of abuse to come. If you’re regularly trying to explain away rude, violent or disrespectful behavior, you could be emotionally abused. “There’s this wall of denial that we put up when we’re in a relationship, and we all do it to some extent,” Sugg says. “But you shouldn’t have to explain away someone else’s behavior.” It’s just like a slap in the face, she says. “How many of those slaps would you take?”
5. You bend over backward so he doesn’t get upset. Are you walking on eggshells because of his hair-trigger temper that erupts for everything big (a blown business deal) to small (his warm beer)? But you can’t keep the peace by being perfect because you can’t control his emotions, Dr. Joyce says. “His anger has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.” Chances are, no matter how hard you try to make things “perfect” – there’s no such thing, by the way – he’ll still find something that’ll set him off. “If you’re living in fear of upsetting him because he’ll blow up in your face, understand that eventually he’ll blow up on your face,” Dr. Gilda says.
1) You're afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening - your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime - because you're not sure how he will react.
2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.
3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost - just to avoid a confrontation.
4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you're afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.
5) You've begun to believe that you're the crazy one -- that you're the one with the problem.
6) When talking about an accomplishment - a promotion or something equally exciting - your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.
7) You feel helpless, like you're trapped in the relationship.
8) Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.
9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.
10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. "If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to yell at you."
11) You've begun to see yourself as worthless -- just like your partner tells you you are.
12) You'll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the "lecture."
13) You're in complete isolation. Your partner doesn't want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you - not him.
14) You've begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn't make him so mad!
15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation.
