That's the only strategy that might work. One step at a time! Struggling with the pain little by little. Not trying to fix everything at once. It's like training. You have to start from doable and increase weight and repetitions day by day. At first, you have to repeat tens of times to "get up! dress up! and show up for life," to force yourself to get back to life. Even then, it won't be fun at all. You won't be efficient and life sucks so much.
Second day, you get out of your room an hour earlier, you have dreamt about matrices all night long and a friend sends you an email with some slides you've been looking for. You get happy! Pandora brings back the song you've been listening to the past few months. Life sucks!
Third day, there's gonna be a meeting and you will argue with some people for a whole hour. You're distracted.
Fourth day, you might finally be over with this shitty abstract. You miss what you never had and life sucks!
Fifth day, all you think about is a Jacobian! Still, you have no appetite!
Sixth day...
اونقدر دهنم سرویس شده که شک کرده ام که شاید کل قضیه توهمه! شاید اسکل می زنم و از سر سیری و خوشی فقط از نیاز به آدرنالین و هزار تا کوفت دیگه اینقدر درگیر شده ام. کل دارم می زنم زیر همه چی...
بعد یادم می آد که الان ده ساله که اسم وبلاگم، ایمیل آی دی ام، و جواب تمام security question هایی که ازم می پرسن who is your best friend همه آرتور ه! یعنی این شخصیت اینقدر طبیعی، اینقدر طولانی و اینقدر عمیق تو زندگی منه!
درسته که هیچ وقت به تخیلم هم نمی رسید که آرتور با واقعیت تلاقی کنه، اما بدون شک اگه واقعیتی باشه که تا این حد به آرتور شبیه باشه، من چطور ممکنه سقوط نکنم؟؟
الان دارم به شباهتشون فکر می کنم... غیر قابل باوره...
پی نوشت: من می مونم و one and only روی repeat
With him, it's all about faith!
Everything is so tense and complicated and confusing and painful and emotional that I decided to simply give up. I gave up and started believing. I know I should believe in love and in him and in perfection and beauty and pain and life and ... And I should believe in love.
He just doesn't get it! He doesn't see that I just have so much trust in myself and him and our love that I refuse to believe in sadness.
I embrace pain just because I know that it's part of our reality.
And with him, I don't want dreams, I don't want any fantasy..
Reality and its pain and its imperfection is perfect enough for me...
Future? I'm totally unable to make any prediction about it!
But it's me! Here! Falling!
And it feels so right....